how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
