wrigley field is MILF paradise
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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