its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
