I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
