i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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