The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
