im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
