I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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