i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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