Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
