i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
