It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
