I puked a lego.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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