bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
