I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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