I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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