Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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