You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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