best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
