you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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