Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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