I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
