I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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