if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
