This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
