In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If that was your dad, he is hot
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
