drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I cannot find my penis.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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