Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
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He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
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I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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