he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
