My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
