Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
