420 ftw
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
