I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
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I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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