I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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