Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
YAS. BRING CRAB.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Text me some of your sweat
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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