Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
