she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
