i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
