and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
