She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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