I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
