Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
