Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
