the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
