not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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