I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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