Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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