he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
