my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
