What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
