My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
