If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
