I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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