Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
