if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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