Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
