Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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