I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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